Tension & Fear of Failure
The Timid Drummer
When I was in high shool I played percussion in a wind orchestra. I could play only written down music, never adding my own improvisations or fillings. You would expect some self-expression from a drummer of the orchestra.. although being accurate and precise, I could never feel free in my playing, being the loudest of all the instruments and terribly afraid of making a single mistake.
I remember being very aware of the world collapsing and everyone being disappointed in me as soon as I made a mistake. So I did my best to never let it happen, rather being quiet in my style than getting it noticeably wrong. What I wasn’t aware of at the time was how this fear manifested in my body. I kind of knew I was slumped and held my shoulders together (to keep myself together) but had no more thoughts about that. It wasn’t until the orchestra conductor walked past me in a summer camp and made a notion of straightening his back that I realized - others can see my fears in my posture.
His silent remark was accompanied by an encouraging smile but to this day I keep the situation as an evidence of how little educators and parents know to work with people in the depths of their ways of being. Well, I also get why my poor posture wasn’t getting more of his attention- he had the whole orchestra to conduct and manage.
Working on The Whole “Self”
Luckily there are specialists who have given these issues more thought. F.M. Alexander’s work is centered around the idea of “no real learning can take place when the fear-reflexes are exited”. Taking this into account changes the whole process of learning, the relationship of hierarchy between the student and teacher and the outcome of learning, of course.
Today when I work with somebody like myself back in high school, I am not telling her to „sit up stright”. I am gently showing her that it’s okay to make mistakes. She can try “failing” in a safe environment and sigh out all this tension of fear. Her shoulders will naturally relax and the whole back can release up with vitality. Not long when probably she will play her first solo at drums, enjoying everyone listening her self-expression.
This excites me because the work is not on changing a person, yet the person is fully able to change. She wouldn’t be „doing” the standing up straight thing, but her renewed state of being makes it now possible to carry herself with poise, with authentic smile and with natural self-expression in words and in music.
Reading People
Today I can read people the same way that grown-ups once read me. Furthermore, I have developed a skill and sensitivity to show you then what.
It’s not enough to do the „standing up straight”. There is a reason why you’re slumping in the first place. Or why you’re holding yourself in overextension. Only physical adjustments can’t really reach the core of the issue.
There is a reason why (if) we don’t easily wake up at 5am daily. Or follow a healthy diet. Take cold showers. Be amazing partners. All these things we want to be and do but for some reason it’s not accessible to us. Let us work with that reason.
