My Personal Journey

I am Cathy, an Estonian who has made the UK my home. Previously I was travelling and living abroad, partly from a need to escape the stresses of life, but also due to my strong desire to learn about the world and about myself.

Being on the road was both challenging and comforting, it definitely accelerated the learning process. Being out of my comfort zone taught me how uncomfortable it actually was there, however familiar it felt. Recognizing my personal stress triggers has led me to be interested in collective behaviour and collective trauma healing. It turns out that the more stimuli a person can cope with the more of the world she can handle. And I’ve come to believe that this is fundamental for us in our times: to build resilience and learn more efficient ways of doing things.

Today I look back to my old self living in what I call “the chronic stress culture”. Like many of us, I was trying hard not to make mistakes. I had a lot of ambition which was transformed into excess muscular tension. I carried a forced smile. My body was collapsed, my shoulders were pulled in. Often I had lower back pain, accompanied with performance anxiety, on stage or in social situations. I was incapable of feeling a range of feelings, however I could feel anxiety in the most unexpected moments. 

Imbalances Around Me

As a musician and a violin teacher I was baffled by what I so often saw around me. My fellow students, teachers and professional musicians, or even the kids I was teaching, seemed to be unbalanced and out of tune in their bodies. They looked tired and achy, more often low on energy than not, and their mood seemed depressed about not being good enough. Something was clearly off and I didn’t want to be part of a system that produced such poor results in human functioning.

Impatiently needing to feel better, I tried out anything that could give good answers. For the last few years I’ve been studying to become a teacher of the Alexander Technique, in order to help myself and others.

Last time I visited home I felt better. The dark and grey days of November didn’t suck the life out of me anymore, even through the pandemic. People I met had been achieving a lot, succeeding in their goals and developing their skills. While showing the world their accomplishments, their personal life told me another story. 

How Are You?

From my observations whilst travelling, I am often learning about how we are all, as a collective, actually doing. How do we cope with lockdowns and isolation, uncertainties and stress? What about our relationships with family members and partners, personal life choices, health and wellness levels, reactivity, communication skills, ability to not be distracted etc?

It is clear to me that health and wellbeing are fundamental to everything else we’re doing in life. This includes peace of mind, developing a mature and integrated personality, and living a pain-free life. Whenever I can learn more about human beings and how we function I continue to develop my understanding.

Back To Yourself

It has always been important to me to put my own health and wellbeing first, probably because survival has been especially difficult for me at times. I was continuously dreaming about my 30th birthday where I imagined all the difficulties and suffering of the 20’s would disappear. Now I know that it wasn’t about the age (I still have a year to go!) but simply about arriving into a more integrated and connected place. Life will keep happening. You just want to be a bit less lost and a bit more trusting as it unfolds.

I learned slowly to come back to my body instead of being only in my head. My world got brighter and brighter. It has always been colourful but now it has a touch of ease and fun in it. I can feel joy now. And I can feel deep sadness. I’m not making myself feel small as often. In a safe place I am speaking up. I still have ups and downs in my energy levels. Sometimes I overreact. Sometimes I feel hopeless. Sometimes I’m good company and sometimes I want to spend at least a few days in a cave by myself. But on a stressful day my lower back pain leaves me after 20 minutes, instead of reminding me physically of the stress the whole day. When something upsets me, I'm able to let it go much sooner than I could before.

Connected, Not Just Happy

I’m not saying I’m always happy and healthy, but I’m definitely more connected with myself and the world than I used to be. I don’t push things away so much anymore. Most importantly, I am aware enough of my needs to make choices that prevent or eliminate high levels of stress in the first place.

My explorations in the mental health field and my knowledge of The Alexander Technique give me the tools to guide others to a more integrated and connected place. Because it hasn't been easy at all for me, I understand what you might be going through.

It is my biggest inspiration and motivation to connect with my students and help them to deepen the quality of connection to themselves. My sensitivity and ability to give you space, while still being engaged with you, provides a supportive environment. This is my way not to teach you anything clever, but to create conditions so you can access the wholeness of yourself through the Alexander Technique.