Why There’s No Shortcuts In Self-Development
Sometimes when change has been overwhelming and more than I can carry, I remind myself that there is no hurry. Stepping back to the old ways may be the kind option. Retreating to my shell is a natural reaction to a too big of a change. Also, if what we want is not happening just yet, it is a clue that there’s not enough capacity for acceptance and compassion built up.
I have learned to acknowledge the connection-disconnection pendulum and recognize the moments of old and new ways in my life. Some of the ways stay habitual for longer and I don’t beat myself up for it anymore. I understand that there is no hurry, it is a lifelong process.
When I disconnect, it is more difficult for my close ones, but the shell gives me just enough comfort and security to face what needs to be faced. If I’m stuck, I’m stuck. There is nothing to change or shift. But I am going to be stuck for shorter time if I am aware of it and if I’m able to allow it to be. Last time I spent at least a few days in a cocoon unable to connect but reminding myself repeatedly „there’s nothing to change, there’s nothing to shift.” And this took the resistance away. Gave me much peace of mind in the mess of frightening feelings. Being able to stay in the acceptance of difficult feelings has become available for me after lot of embodiment work.
In my work I see daily how uncomfortable change is for people. This is of course why many people do not want changes in their lives in the first place. Sometimes letting go rigidity and muscle tension invites the change without any deeper analysis. Is it through body that we find access to our being, or is it getting to know our ways of being that explains symptoms in the body?
It is good to remind yourself that you are not weak or spineless if you give up new routines in a week or fall back to old eating habits after a few days of dieting. Your system is not always able to adjust. Forcing it does not help. Motivational speakers might not help.
Hopefully, you will recognize if getting inspired is enough to bring about change or the essence is rooted somewhere deeper. Obviously, there is a layer beyond layer in your perceiving processes. There might be something of which you are not yet aware. Yes, there is conscious thinking, but it is only a small part of our functioning. There are also mental attitudes, beliefs, and emotional barriers to learn about.
Armouring
Dr Gabor Maté talks about addiction as being any kind of armouring behaviour we repeat to avoid unpleasant feelings. Besides addictions to caffeine, smoking, drugs, exercising etc we can easily become addicted to self-development strategies and sometimes find ourselves in spiritual bypassing. Could I pass the heavy stuff and be happy and fulfilled right away? Not really, so find yourself a practitioner who you trust.
Quiet
If we let go of the armour (habit, desire, painful memory, needing to understand, needing to get it right etc), we arrive to quiet. Quiet of the nervous system where there is no disturbance, no reactions. It might not feel pleasant, because we are addicted to our distractions, to speed, to doing - that is why we have them in the first place. Coming back to being is sometimes painful, uncomfortable, or disturbing.
Raw experience
Without the armour we feel naked, vulnerable, raw; but that is also where the authenticity, innocence, healing and compassion live. Often the armour itself is heavier than facing the feelings behind. Letting go the armour brings ease, lightness, and presence. Capacity to feel feelings, come to present and stay with any experience grows in time.
Good Enough
When I inquire compassionately to myself, I can see better. What is it that I have been avoiding when buying another book, participating in another course, changing another habit, building another routine? It is the feeling of inadequacy of course, the good old „not good enough.”
I come back to what is present in that experience, repeatedly. Embodiment work helps us to contact our feelings again. Same goes to the practitioner or teacher in the session – the hardest thing is not trying to get anything out of the stopping. Not to push your client so that you can feel adequate as a teacher. Both the parctitioner and client need the absence of judgment in the shared space for the co-regulation to happen naturally.
Leaving Your Ambitions
Sometimes the intensity of change can feel too big and too much. The ambition to get results and benefits can give us too much of a kick in anything we do. Trying to get it right, prove yourself something, be the good student, get what you are paying for and so on becomes counteractive. The healthy option will be to loosen up a bit to take yourself more lightly, give up your ambitions to reach your goals even more.
Fortunately, modern neuroscience has shown us that we have more personal control over our brain than we ever thought possible. Change is unquestionably available thanks to the brain’s feature of neuroplasticity. We can change attitudes, beliefs, emotional states, and behaviour but we just need to be real about the methods. If you have experienced obstacles and the subconscious part still seems a mystery, find support from a qualified Alexander Technique teacher.
